FIFA World Cup Russia 2018 Russia

Here at we have obtained a document from the RFA that seems to outline Russia’s plans on how to win the World Cup. Of course, this is highly sensitive information that should not be shown publicly under any circumstances. But for some reason, we’ve put it here. Hopefully, we will survive the night.

Comrades. I am here to outline how the Mighty Russia will conquer the world over the next few months. Using the strength of the Russian bear, the cunning of our finest scientists and the tried and trusted method of poisoning tea, we will ensure that we have the ultimate success: winning the World Cup!

Russia vs Saudi Arabia

The ‘Spornaya’ won’t need too much assistance in this fixture, as they should have enough footballing quality to succeed. However, just to smooth things over, the Kremlin will announce a new arms deal with the Saudis moments before kick off.

That will ensure an easy first half. To make sure the second half doesn’t suddenly become more difficult, carbon monoxide will be pumped into the away changing room to make them a little sleepy. Against drowsy/unconscious opponents, we should breeze to a simple 2-0 victory.

Russia vs Egypt

Prior to the game, our best agents will hand Mohammed Salah a large handbag. Cunningly, they will have weighed it down with several kilos of beef stroganoff. Hopefully, the local carnivorous butterflies will be attracted by the smell and will devour him. If that fails, the sheer weight of the heavy handbag should reignite his shoulder injury.

Without their talisman, Egypt will struggle against the might of our team. Especially after they have three of their players sent off in the first twenty minutes. That will happen as long as the referee wants to see his family again.

Just to be safe, Polonium Joe will serve tea at halftime. Just in case.

Russia vs Uruguay

With qualification secured, we just need to be smart in this final fixture. By playing a deep back five, we will allow Uruguay to come onto us. This will leave space in behind which we will exploit on the counter-attack, especially with our pacey wing backs and dynamic midfield.

Uruguay may have a rugged back four and an iron-willed midfield, but with the right tactics we will come out on top in this fixture. No violence needed, just tactical nous.

Russia vs Morocco

You may be wondering how we expect Morocco to make it out of a very difficult Group B? Let’s just say that our Iberian friends may have a few bus-related issues during the group stages. Bus and bear issues. We’re going to get a bear to attack their bus. The new cannon bears you may have heard about that are being developed out in Siberia. Cristiano Ronaldo may have scored 81 goals for Portugal, but can he survive ursine artillery fire? I don’t think so.

Our finest military scientists have been working on a serum for our army. They have confirmed that there is a 70% chance that it will enhance all the physical attributes of whoever takes it. There is also a 30% chance that it will turn them into a Hulk. This is a chance we are willing to take. Artem Dzuyba will be a willing guinea pig. Let’s hope he survives. If he does, it will be enough to defeat Morocco.

Russia vs France

Just as Napoleon was forced to retreat in 1812, France will have ran out of supplies by the quarter-final stage. That isn’t a euphemism for injuries either, the plan is to literally steal all their food and water. Hungry, tired and dehydrated, the French will be forced to retreat and drop out of the tournament.

To make sure they are reminded of their mistakes from 200 years ago, the Ministry of Defence has allowed us to use their new winter machine. This will allow us to create an artificial winter to freeze their team bus as it leaves the country. Invading the motherland was a mistake then and making it to the quarterfinals of a major international football tournament is a mistake now.

Russia vs Brazil

Brazil will be in their first semi-final since their humiliating 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany. We will make sure that isn’t the worst semi-final defeat they’ve ever suffered.

This will take everything that we’ve got: carbon monoxide, beef stroganoff, Polonium Joe, the back five, cannon bears, super soldier serum and the winter machine. Maybe all of that won’t be enough. That’s why we have our trump card.

Before the tournament, we will take measures to limit their defensive options. Miranda, Geromel and Thiago Silva will find themselves…indisposed. They will be forced to turn to their only remaining fit centre back: David Luiz.

Once he is on the field there will be no problems for Mother Russia. No problems at all.

Russia vs England

No issues here. It’s England in the latter stages of a major tournament. They’ll mess it up themselves.